Green Badge of Courage

Matt took the day off yesterday so we could bring Bug downtown to see all of my coworkers. It was fun to see everyone and it went as well as it could have (read: she did not vomit profusely on anyone).

I had more energy at the end of the day yesterday than I've had in the last month (nine months?) and I decided it was because we were out for most of the day. So today I decided that Bug and I were going to venture to MOA for our first round of "mall walking" (note: I cannot believe it took me this long to actually do this).

The weather here is absolutely horrible -- it rained all day today and the high was maybe 45. I expected there to be some people at the mall but was surprised when I arrived a little after 10 to find the parking ramp packed. We tooted along (literally?) and then when we made it to the Rotunda I realized why... and why I was never going to come back on Tuesdays ever again. Because Tuesdays are "Toddler Tuesdays." I wish I would have taken a picture of how many strollers were parked in the middle of the mall, and how long the line was (literally from the Rotunda all the way to Bloomingdales) to get a picture with Curious George. Ugh.

I told myself I was going to make one complete lap before we were going to stop for any shopping, and I almost made it (I was distracted by the American Apparel store, since Bug's "The Dog Hates Me" was printed on an American Apparel bodysuit which actually fits her, but the damn things are like $12... no thank you).

After my first complete lap we stopped into Baby Gap to see if we could find any more pants on sale. (My child is too narrow for even the newborn size pants from Target, but the 0-3 at Gap fit... for now). While back by the sale racks I noticed something smelled stinky, and quickly realized it was coming from my stroller. She was sleeping like a log so I decided to try and ignore it, especially since waking her up is always a disaster.

After ten more minutes the smell was getting really bad. We left the Gap and went to the elevators in the middle of the mall to head up to the second floor. There were five other strollers jammed into the elevator with us (see: Toddler Tuesdays) and I was terrified that someone was going to make a face at the smell we were making. No one did, at least not outwardly.

We finally made it to the lounge in Nordstrom's (this is my favorite bathroom in the mall). I decided to go to the bathroom first, hoping that maybe all of the industrial flushing noises might wake her up. They did not. Damn.

So I unhook her carseat and lift her out and set her on the changing table. I'm unsnapping her outfit and about to lift her diapered butt up to pull it back when I jam my fingers into a gooey mess. She has pooped all over herself. (Note: I have no idea why this won't wake her up, but sometimes a barely wet diaper will make her scream bloody murder.)

There is literally a pool of poopy in the back of her outfit. And she has woken up. And started to cry. Which means she is flailing her legs and spreading the poop onto her ankles, shins, et al.

I'm not sure where to even begin. If I had a scissors on me I might have just cut her out of the outfit. What the hell are you supposed to do when your child poops in something that has to go OVER HER HEAD to be removed? I decide that I will take off the diaper first, and start laying down baby wipes on top of the clothes in an effort to minimize the amount of poop spread on the baby. This only sort of works.

I manage to get her diaper changed (I think it was like an eight-wipe job) and start to try and take off the outfit and the onesie. I get both off without getting any poop anywhere on her head or face, and I consider this a win (we cannot say the same for her thighs and right elbow, but you have to take what you can get). I decide that the onesie is a total loss and just throw it in the trash. She's still crying.

I don't remember where I read it, but thank God that I did, because I have a spare outfit and onesie in the diaper bag. This may seem an obvious addition to more experienced moms, but it didn't seem as obvious a few weeks ago. I usually keep a ziploc bag in there as well to put diapers in when there's no trash, but I used it this weekend and never replaced it. Before I can get too mad at myself I realize there's no way the fleece cow outfit would have fit in a sandwich bag anyway. So I dump out the contents of our Gap bag into the diaper bag and put the poop outfit in there. (Babies are more like dogs than I realized... I'm going to have to start saving newspaper bags for her, too).

Taking the record for longest diaper change, ever (thank God no one was waiting) I finally get her all cleaned up and in the new outfit. I try putting her back in the car seat but she is absolutely hysterical. So I decide to carry her and just push the stroller. As we're leaving the bathroom (lounge?) a woman holds the door open for us, but before I can thank her decides to say to me, "looks like we just aren't ready to go shopping yet." It's not like we stopped at the mall on the way home from the hospital... she's a month old! I'm allowed to leave the house. And shop if I want to. I decide to not thank her.

As I walk with her back towards Macy's and the car, she starts to fall asleep. I admit I am tempted to just stay at the mall, but know that this is a terrible, horrible idea. I get to the door at Macy's and put her back in her carseat and you'd think I was ripping off her fingernails. Thank goodness no one was really shopping in Mens this morning.

We manage to get back home and eat. It is now 5:30 at night and the poop outfit is still in the Gap bag in the basement. I'm not sure what to do with it -- do I rinse it out? Do I just throw it in the wash? Do I just throw it away? It is the only fleece outfit that she owns, so we'll see what happens. We might just have to go shopping again tomorrow.

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In other news, we think that she might have reflux, which would explain the crying every time that we eat, so the doctor has called in a prescription for us to try on her. I'm really hoping it works because that's the only time that she is fussy during the day (which, of course, is like eight times a day).

I am now on the happy pills and have stopped nursing completely. I think stopping was the only time my boobs ever got "engorged" and even then it was only really on one side. Sad. Sometimes it really bothers me, but my mom always reminds me that Bug is fine and thriving and growing so I shouldn't feel bad. To be honest she spits up a lot less now that she is not eating both breast milk and formula. My right boob still has the squirts sometimes. Feeding is easier now than before, and will hopefully get even better if that antacid works, since I hate feeding her in public and having her cry for 10+ minutes afterward. Sad face.

Mother's day was good -- still not total reality that I am a 'mom' now. It was weird opening presents. Bug got me a beautiful ring that I had asked for while she was still in my belly. What a smart baby!

I still have no idea what I'm going to do with the poop outfit. And I think my 'mom' invention will be some sort of healthy food drive-thru, since it is impossible to justify running in somewhere for food if it requires the rigamarole of the carseat and/or stroller and waking your baby. I'd rather go hungry.