Wokka wokka

The fact that Bug is still not walking bothers me on an hourly basis. I finally seemed to come to terms with her eyes and stopped worrying about who we would see at Target or if I should just leave the stroller canopy closed all the time and then this appeared, and continued. It's getting worse as she gets older and gets bigger. I mean, it's great that she's growing, and I'm happy about that, but she's the size of a three year old (OK, so not totally, but she DOES have a pair of 3T jammies and a few 3T shirts) which makes people give me funny looks when I have to explain that she doesn't walk.

Even though we go to the same goddamn Caribou coffee almost every day, this one particular employee who seems to work on Tuesdays always looks at us like she's never seen us and asks me a) how old Bug is and b) how hard it must be with her "running around everywhere." So I dutifully respond that she's 17 months, and she's "actually not walking yet." It took me like three weeks to add the "YET" to that statement (positive thinking?), but it bothers me that I feel like I get such pity from her and others who ask. I feel like it's harder than trying to explain the eyes. At least with the eyes people get quiet because they don't totally understand it and they move on. Everyone UNDERSTANDS WALKING.

I realized today how much we are usually just the two of us, and I wonder if I am subconsciously doing that on purpose and if I am somehow sabotaging her growth and development. The truth is that it's hard to play with other kids. I bring her to the playground but all she wants to do is play with the rocks, which is fine, but she shows no interest in the playground equipment. I suppose I don't blame her, seeing as how the cargo rope is not really crawler-friendly, but it makes me just not want to go. Fighting with her or walking her around everything while the 13 month old (hey, I asked) literally runs circles around her doesn't really amp me up, and she usually loses interest after 30 seconds anyway. She doesn't even like sitting on the vehicle things attached to the giant springs. She's so nervous and unsteady.

We were at a party last week and there were these cute ride-on toys. She had fun on them (for 30 seconds, again) but I had to keep my hand behind her the whole time. She can't even sit on it. She's just so floppy. How do I get over being embarrassed my almost 18 month old is like an 8 month old?

We do therapy twice a week. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing her because we don't do a lot of "exercises" in between, but it's hard. Most of the time I'm just focusing on getting through each day. Sometimes to get through the day we need to run around Lake Calhoun for an hour or walk and get coffee for a third time. Sitting at home makes me nuts. Is there seriously anything about motherhood NOT to feel guilty about?

But she's smart. It's terrifying. What she seems to lack in physical prowess she makes up for in mental and verbal prowess. Maybe if she didn't have that I'd really go crazy? It makes it easier for me to just ignore everything else. Maybe if we just stay home and talk to each other all day and not be in a situation where walking is necessary I won't have to deal with it. How productive.

And then there are still the eyes.

I'm not all Sally Sad. I'm infatuated with her. There are people I know who recently had babies and I look at their pictures and I remember when Bug was born and my brain seems to want to rewrite the story. Is this Mother Nature's way of ensuring we continue to propagate the species? The real story is that immediately after Bug came out I was exhausted and drugged and overwhelmed and it was nothing like the movies. I didn't even know what planet I was on. My new memory mixes in my knowledge and love of her personality now as I know it with this birth moment and all of a sudden it's a moment of awe and adoration and immediate bliss. IT WAS NOT. IT WAS OVERWHELMING. IT WAS NOT OVERFLOWING WITH LOVE. I WANTED A BEVERAGE. I FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN ATTACKED BY A LARGE ANIMAL. But I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone else?

We have open play time with Edina ECSE (early childhood special education -- yes, we are card-carrying members!) tomorrow. I'm trying not to have pre-conceived notions about it. I'm also trying to ignore that it conflicts with a gigantic consignment sale at the fairgrounds. Angel: YOU DO NOT NEED MORE TOYS. Devil: YOU NEED MORE TOYS.

Monday we're starting our music classes again. They actually started this week but I hadn't signed up yet because I hadn't yet decided if we were going to Virginia Beach or not (we're not) so I signed us up and I'm excited. She will not sit in a room without asking for music to be on. This session's theme is Bongos. Much more awesome than last time's Flute.

CHILD ABUSE.