The big reveal

[WARNING/DISCLOSURE: There are pictures of Bug with her eyes open in this post.  They are not *that* terrible, and it's not, like, medical photography (she's playing with Play-Doh) but prepare yourself.  They're red, and she's a bit squinty.  They're not until the bottom.]

I was hoping that it would magically happen this morning, that she would just wake up and open them.  Especially after I went to bed last night with a raging headache, regretting how inexplicably angry I had gotten with her for not opening her eyes.  I was so frustrated.  There is no medical reason for you to keep them closed!  Just open them, dammit!

Matt stayed home from work today again, thank God, and I was able to sleep in until 8:30, although it did absolutely nothing for my headache, the likes of which I hadn't seen in YEARS.  When I eventually dragged myself upstairs, she was sitting on the couch still with her eyes closed.  Matt and I started with bribes again, and then quickly progressed to removing all fun from her day until she opened her eyes.  No listening to music.  No turning on the TV.  No Nuk.  Of course, she started to cry.

Then when we figured out this wasn't getting anywhere, we moved on to, "If you're going to close your eyes, we're going to assume you're sleeping, so you need to go in your bed."

Matt took her downstairs to follow-through with the threat.  Some may say, you heartless bastards!  She just had surgery!  On her eyes!  So what if she wants to keep them closed!  But there was no medical necessity to having them closed.  She was not complaining of them hurting whatsoever.  I was tired of her starting to act squirrly and naughty (a sure sign of someone feeling better) while also insisting on keeping her eyes shut.  I can't tell you how many things she almost walked into or fell off of in the last 24 hours in fits of defiance and frustration.  And I was tired of just sitting on our butts all day long inside, doing nothing.  As if this whole situation wasn't depressing enough on its own.

But I'd be lying if I didn't feel like a horrible mother for trying to force her anyway, for the record.

After a bit, I heard faint yelling downstairs for me to come down and see.  Matt had somehow convinced her to open her eyes for a moment before shutting them again.  I got down there, and she wanted me immediately.  I told her she had to walk across the room to me, and in order to do that, she had to open her eyes.  So she opened her eyes and walked to me, and the small glimpse that I was able to see made me violently upset.

Her eyes look... gross.  There's no other way to describe it.  Gooey and slightly bulgy and wet and red.  And she has a bit of a squint, because her eyelids are swollen, like she got in a pretty good fight (but without a black eye to match).

She came upstairs then, and we convinced her to open her eyes again and put on her glasses.  We had Elmo on, and all of a sudden she was staring at the TV, smiling (which she rarely does when she watches), calling out excitedly things she'd never called out before, despite having watched them countless times.  It was too much for me.  It was hard when she got her glasses and saw an improvement and now this was 10x harder because of the surgery.  It was a rush of emotions both good and bad, and combined with seeing how disgusting (my interpretation) her eyes looked, and how sad she looked half-squinting with them, I had to go downstairs and cry for a while.

Even though she never really complained of having any acute pain anywhere, she looked so serene with her eyes closed.  Now with her eyes open, it seemed like work for her, and even if she still wasn't complaining about any pain, it just looked painful.  Somehow, today was the worst day so far.

Since she did open her eyes, she got to pick from the 157 different options we had offered as a reward, and decided on going out for pancakes.  I was STARVING considering I hadn't eaten all morning, and my headache was still eating my brain.  I let the two of them go downstairs to get dressed because I was still having difficulty being in the same room as her.

When I got down there she was dressed pretty spectacularly, and according to Matt, she had instructed him as to exactly what she wanted to wear, right down to her socks.  She also picked out his outfit, and then picked out mine.  I guess when you haven't seen anything in two days, you might as well start the third seeing things you like?  It was during this time, too, that someone from Stroller Strides dropped off some cupcakes and an Elmo card for Bug, signed by all the girls from class.  I cried.

We went out for pancakes, and it was thankfully uneventful, except for when a mobile document shredding truck was double parked in front of our car.

Excited to be out of the house.  All of us, that is, were excited.  Including Elmo.

Blowing her new bubbles while waiting for a table.  She was given this new bottle of Melissa and Doug bubbles, and I have no idea how much they cost, but whatever it is, they're worth every penny.  Best bubbles I've ever seen.

She's back!  Sort of.

I was sort of getting better as the day progressed, but when I'd hold her or if she walked right up to me, I admit that I'd focus on her nose two inches from my face instead of her eyes.  Because of this, it's hard to see exactly where her eyes are, alignment-wise.  But they appear to be level (phew), and we have yet to see her adopt her other head positioning, probably because it may actually be physically impossible for her now that they've removed part of her lower eye muscles.

I can't even really look at this.  Here she is playing with her new Play-Doh.

As awkward as that other photo is, you must trust me that she's happy.  It's hard for my brain to reconcile right now.

Her eyes may be red for a month or longer, but the swelling should go down in the next week or so.  She had a complete meltdown after she woke up from her nap this afternoon and refused to open her eyes for a half an hour, during which my blood pressure was probably off the charts.  She eventually agreed to open them, thank God.  When asking the doctor's office today about it, I was told that they don't know why some kids refuse to open their eyes after surgery and why some kids open them immediately.  Girls apparently tend to keep them closed more than boys do.  Hmm.  A friend stopped by this afternoon with some more delicious treats, and I appear to be the only person on this Earth repulsed by the eyes.  That, or she's a fantastic actress.

I'm just really hoping that tomorrow morning is better, because I didn't run today and ate a ton of shit, and I may lose my mind completely if we don't get out and exert ourselves (or at least me) tomorrow.  Or at least make a Target run for more chocolate and candy.  It's so stupid how the procedure itself feels like the easy part.  I am overwhelmed.