Organic Poser

We were at Whole Foods today, looking for gluten-free lasagna noodles so I could make dinner for a friend who just had a baby.

Since moving to California, I don't really shop at Whole Foods.  Budget notwithstanding, it's like a thing out here, and I don't get it.  The Hillcrest Whole Foods is like an experience.  The prepared food section is the same size as the regular grocery section.  There's an olive bar the size of my living room.  I don't even know how to describe it.  I basically don't own the right Ray-Bans to feel like I fit in, much like how I could never attend Coachella.

But we were there today, like I said, to buy some noodles.

Of course we walked through all the yummy stuff.  Sniffed the pizza, ogled the artisan cheese, tried to poke at one of the eight different kinds of quinoa salad at the salad bar (salad concourse? salad plaza?). Somehow despite all temptation, we emerged from the checklanes victorious, having only purchased one (four dollar) package of organic brown rice noodles.

But then, as we were about to walk out, I again lay eyes upon the behemoth juice bar.  I'm not talking Jamba Juice here, people.  This is a Real Juice Bar.  There was organic kale stacked as high as you could see, beets piled expertly, spinach splayed out like fancy oriental fans.

Everyone everywhere seems to be talking about green juice, and how great it is.  I have never really tried it.

My defenses completely worn down, I plunked over the $6 for an order of the "Hi-C" which, despite the promising name, was full of green and red peppers, spinach, oranges, grapefruit, wheatgrass, and who knows what else.

I held Bug up so she could watch the humorless juice bar employees shove vegetable after vegetable into the large metal juicers.  "I think that one's ours!" I said excitedly.  I watched as the woman in front of us handed each of her girls their own green juice (while I mentally calculated... plus yours, that's what, almost $20 worth of juice, and you haven't even started your shopping yet???) and watched them start chugging them down.  This would be great, I thought.  We could both use more vegetables!

Then ours was ready and I took a sip and... gross.  No, really.  Gross.

But I feigned enjoyment!  "OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS SO DELICIOUS!! You should try some!" I said to her.
"Let's go sit outside, Mama," she said, without taking a sip.

So we went outside to the large patio area, and found ourselves a cushy loveseat.

I asked again.  And again.  And again.  "NO!  NO MAMA!!"

I continued to take sips, while taking pains to not show her that I was, of course, in pain.

I actually started threatening her, because she refused to try it.  I SPENT SIX GODDAMN DOLLARS ON THIS JUICE FULL OF VEGETABLES, AND DAMMIT, WE'RE GOING TO ENJOY IT.

She still refused.  The woman was willing to give up her beloved pacifiers to not have to try a sip.  That's how bad it was, and how quickly it had devolved into a stubborn-off.

There was angry whispering.  There was fast walking and child potato-sack-carrying to the car.  There were repeated threats.  Finally, there was a sip.  She swallowed.  VICTORY.

I managed maybe five more sips myself before we got home and I stuck it in the fridge.  After I put her down for a nap I ripped open a fresh bag of cheddar Goldfish and went to town.  GREEN JUICE BE DAMNED!  YOU CAN'T MAKE ME BE HEALTHY!

Matt, tonight, "What the hell is that?"
"Umm, juice from Whole Foods.  Don't ask."
"Well are you going to drink it?"
"Probably not."
"Can I throw it away?"
"No."