Day 8

Happy Saturday, friends.  In the last day or so, California, New York, and Illinois have declared more or less "shelter in place," with all non-essential businesses to close.  It's hard to wrap your mind about what's going on, and last night I was in a super dark place.  Couldn't sleep for shit. 

When I feel upset, my usual go-to is shopping, but that isn't happening right now.  The only thing we can do is buy food.  Matt had to go up to work again yesterday and stopped at the grocery store on his way home for a bunch of stuff so that we technically don't need to leave the house again for a while (OK, so truth time, even without that grocery stop we would have been fine for a while).  In the face of such unknown, it's hard not to want to hoard, or at the very least it's  -- "I don't know what to do, but buying these beans just in case feels better temporarily."

It feels so hypocritical leaving the house for anything.  We are staunch "stay the fuck home" people, but then look at me this morning, going to Target (my first visit to a store in a week), because of course this would be when I ran out of shampoo and all the salons are closed.  I ordered it online last night for pick up so I wouldn't have to be in the store long, and went to just grab it this morning at store open.  Am I not doing my part?  I DON'T KNOW.  I am not congregating with anyone else, and even in full lock down people are allowed to get groceries or whatever... it still feels illegal and like life-threateningly dangerous to be out.  I am very clearly in the minority feeling this way. 

When I got there a little before 8, there was already a line of about 50 people waiting outside (yes, I counted as I walked to the back of the line).  A few people were in surgical masks and gloves, and there was a dude in an N95 mask, which just made me livid!  Like that is just not necessary for a trip to Target, and there are doctors and nurses everywhere who would love to have that for its actual purpose.  If you are wearing the mask because you are sick -- well, you shouldn't be out of the house anyway.  If you are wearing the mask because you are medically fragile -- well, you shouldn't be out of the house anyway.  The store opened, and the line started to move inside.  I kept my distance from N95 guy, but the woman behind me was clearly irritated that we weren't Black Friday doorbusting our way into the store.  I was ready to jab her with my elbow -- whatever pedestrian equivalent there is to tapping your brakes when someone is tailgating you.  On top of this, there was a crowd of people coming straight from the parking lot straight into the store, completely ignoring the line.  I wasn't in a tremendous hurry so I really didn't give a shit, and went inside and got my shampoo from the order pick up desk.  Whatever desire I might have had to wander around the store for therapy had been quickly extinguished by the crazies in the last five minutes.

(Side note: why does my throat keep randomly hurting?  And why do I get a cough for 30 minutes and then nothing again?  I AM LOSING MY MIND.)

Then I went to Whole Foods for some coffee beans, and also panic-bought some of the good New Orleans dried beans.  My mother reports that the stores in Minneapolis are all fully stocked.  I'm wondering when that is going to happen here, because everyone is still doomsday shopping, and there is no meat to be found anywhere, no frozen anything.  Hmm.

I know we are in a low-risk group but I am still terrified of getting sick and having some sort of complications and then not being able to have any medical care.  The cases here in Shelby County keep increasing (because testing is finally rolling in) and it's only a matter of time before the numbers balloon.  Perhaps the biggest and most recent victims are all of the children of Shelby County Schools -- a food worker tested positive, so they immediately canceled all of their food distribution.  All we have heard all across the country is how hard it was to make the decision to close schools because so many children rely on school for their daily meals.  They had set up distribution sites so that kids could still eat here, and then less than a week into it, BAM.  Gone.  Done.  I am so thankful that we are not in a situation where we rely on that service. 

(This is so disjointed and not like a regular blog post... just a brain dump)

It's still super weird to watch TV and see people: crowded together on public transit, hugging each other, standing close to each other, playing together, etc etc. 

When I'm out on my walks with the dog, I see lots of other people, but we all take pains to avoid each other.  When I do go out to the store, I am suspicious of everyone around me.  We are being asked to take individual actions for the greater good, but how are we going to (actually, physically) come together again after this?  I feel like it's going to take me a long time to trust strangers again (maybe this is also because I can't trust anyone to make a good decision as it is??)

The company I work for announced yesterday that they are keeping all the stores closed now through April 5.  This is an additional week beyond what was announced before.  We are all getting paid this extra week based on the average hours we worked the last 6 weeks.  Naturally one of those weeks for me was this stupid vacation week that never was, lowering my average, but it's still nice to have something coming in.

Oh, and speaking of work, I had my second round of interviews yesterday morning!  I'm hoping that's the last set of interviews I have to do.  I have now spoken with ten different people in the organization.  Fingers crossed that I find out something (and something positive!!!) soon.

The temperature went from 75 and humid (and cloudy) yesterday to about 45 (and cloudy) today.  I think we have had one sunny day in the last week.  I just need some SUN to help me feel less depressed.