1. What For?
Bug's version of "why" is the overly-proper "what for?" Everything gets a "what for," even her own behavior.
"Bug, that was not very nice of you. Why did you do that?"
"What did I do?"
"You know what you did."
"What did I do?"
"You pushed your plate off of the table, spilling food everywhere."
"What for?"
I don't mind answering the questions that are genuinely questions. It's the really obvious things, or the repeated asking of the same question, that get me gritting my teeth. She picks up a diaper off of the floor, "what is this diaper for?"
"That's a silly question. You know what diapers are for."
"Pooping?"
"Yes, you still poop in diapers."
Pause. "What's the diaper for?"
"Pooping."
Pause. "What's the diaper for?"
The worst part of this whole thing is you HAVE to give her an answer of some kind. "Because," does not cut it. I read in some parenting email that I still get every week that it's important to actually answer your child, and it may actually get them to shut up faster. So I try. I REALLY TRY. But when asked 17 times in a row as part of a vicious game of temper chicken, I DON'T WANT TO LOSE, so I answer the same thing. Again.
Today Matt decided to try another technique, which brings me to...
2. Small Children Do Not Understand Sarcasm
Because he's an amateur at the "what for" game, he caved early while home from work today. He decided to throw a curve ball, after "what for" number 18.
"Dad, what's this diaper for?"
"For riding a bicycle."
Pause. Confusion. Heavy thinking. "For riding a bicycle???"
At this point I hang my head at his stupidity, and wait for this to quickly unravel.
"This diaper? It's for riding a bicycle? Like my bicycle? Why is this diaper for riding a bicycle? I wear a helmet when I ride my bicycle? This diaper is for riding bicycle?"
"No, Bug, it's not for riding a bicycle. Dad was just being silly. It's for pooping."
"Dad's being silly?"
"Yes, Dad is being silly" (Ed.note: I have no idea if she even understands what "being silly" means in this context).
"What for?"
FUCK.
3. They Remember (and Internalize) Everything You Say
Tonight Bug was role-playing independently. We have a Little People toy swing, and she had one of her Little Persons in the swing and carried her all over the house. But Little Person had to listen to an encyclopedia of instructions which, I quickly realized, sounded a lot like instructions that I often give.
"You need to stay in the swing! Pay attention so you do not fall out of your swing! It would be reallllly bad if you fell out of your swing. If you do not pay attention we will not be able to swing. Are you ready to swing? Do you want to go higher? You have to hang on tight! Do not fall out of your swing! DO NOT FALL OUT OF YOUR SWING, LITTLE GIRL, I TOLD YOU THAT ALREADY."
Man, she sounds like such a nag.
4. What Happened To My Eater?
Up until two weeks ago, Bug was a voracious and adventurous eater. With the exception of onions and tomatoes, she would generally eat anything I made for dinner without much complaint. I was never sure how we lucked out on this, and I always silently sucked at my teeth when I heard other moms complain about their kids not eating, or refusing to eat what was served for dinner. My kid doesn't do that!
Until she did. Does. All of a sudden, we have no interest in eating. Even old stalwarts like macaroni and cheese go largely untouched. There is a very good possibility that she's just leveled off of her non-stop growth-spurting and has settled down, but it's like going from 80 to 5, and I find it hard to believe she's not hungry with how little she ever sits still. (Don't worry, she can still force down frosted donuts on secret treat runs with Matt).
Tonight I made a house favorite, the broccoli, cheese and rice casserole from America's Test Kitchen Light and Healthy 2010. It has all of her favorites, or what used to be her favorites: Broccoli, Cheese and Rice. Slam dunk!
Tonight, though, the excuses started before she even had any in her mouth.
"I not like this."
"You haven't even tried it."
"It's too spicy."
"There are no spicy things in it."
"I need milk."
"Not until you try a bite."
We finally convinced her to have a bite so that she could have her coveted milk, and have any chance at being offered anything else to eat. She took THE most dramatic bite she could and followed it up with an equally dramatic and painful ("painful") open-mouth chew. I could just see her letting it all fall, chewed up, out of her mouth onto her plate while simultaneously squeezing out a perfectly-timed silent tear drop, and it was too much to bear. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Matt start to crack, and then I had to stuff my fist into my mouth while staring at the wall thinking about root canals to stop myself from laughing.
And then it hit me, why she always asks when she's being naughty...
5. "It's Funny?"
This is so unbelievably obvious, and maybe that's why I hadn't put it together before tonight. She tends to ask me, "it's funny?" whenever I've admonished her for doing something inappropriate. I always thought she was just being extra annoying, and trying to find the most opposite emotion of what I was currently showing her.
No. You know why she's asking it? Because when she's super naughty, Matt and I often laugh. Because it IS funny. When your kid is losing their mind over the most insignificant thing, or stoicly mimicking something wholly inappropriate they saw you doing, it's really (really really really) hard not to laugh. The first time she yelled out "shit!" after dropping something on the ground, I had to excuse myself from the room.
And kids love a good reaction. That is her whole goal in life right now. To get a reaction out of everyone. Staying calm is really exhausting, possibly more exhausting than getting angry, especially when me getting angry just gets her more excited about disobeying.
I told Matt the other day that she is going to rapidly drive me to an overweight and over-medicated place. Any weight I lost while working at Target has been put back on, and then some. It's hard work over here, I tell ya.
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