Puberty

It's been a big past few days in our house (literally and figuratively?) because I, for some unknown reason, GOT MY PERIOD.

This is beyond remarkable, as many of you know.  I've been to umpteen specialists who have not been able to figure out why my ovaries never worked on their own.  Every time I go to a new doctor and they ask me when my last menstrual period was, I always deadpan, "I don't know.  Three years ago?  I don't ovulate."  I was convinced that it would never happen, again (unless I was back on artificial hormones).  This is isn't even remarkable.  This might classify as fucking earth-shattering.

A few weeks ago, I started feeling really odd.  This whole thing is a reverse of that show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."  I started getting odd abdominal cramps, my boobs hurt, and if I wore pants with actual non-elastic waistbands, I'd have probably complained they felt snug.  I was convinced that maybe somehow this time I really was pregnant, because why else would I be feeling like this?  Since I never got periods I had no way to ever officially "rule out" pregnancy without wasting precious dollars (and dollars and dollars) on pee sticks.  Most people are in denial (or in the dark) about being pregnant because they just assume they're getting their period, not the other way around.

Even though I knew it was barely possible, I still peed on the stick.  Nothing.

Continued cramping, though.

Finally last week I went to the doctor.  I have a history of ovarian cysts, and wanted to make sure nothing ruptured.

She found nothing.  And oh, I (still) wasn't pregnant.  She ordered a pelvic ultrasound for this week.

Then yesterday morning, it appeared as though something was either terribly, terribly wrong, or after years (ever??) I spontaneously got a period. I frantically texted Matt.

And then nothing happened in the middle of the day so I was back thinking something was terribly wrong, and then today it was like OH HELLO THERE.  I went digging in the drawer where I (thank God) still kept supplies (for visitors, I would argue) and found one lone un-Bug-destroyed tampon.

There are so many crazy things about this, I don't even know where to begin.  So in no particular order:

A) One of the regular instructors in class has the same type of thyroid disease that I have.  She was talking last week about how her symptoms have gotten progressively worse, and she started filling my mind with all sorts of Internet-fueled propaganda about how the synthetic thyroid hormone is poison, how gluten-filled diets are wrecking us all, and how her goal was to get herself off of daily Synthroid.

Getting one's self off of Synthroid, when you have Hashimoto's, seemed a little odd to me, since the disease is pretty much non-reversible.  But I'd be lying if I hadn't thought about trying acupuncture or some other holistic medicine.  I started reading things online (never really a good idea) and had recently convinced myself as well that I needed to try going gluten-free, even though I thankfully wasn't suffering from the things she was talking about.  Maybe gluten was my problem!  Maybe that's why my ovaries didn't work!  No more bread!  Wheat is the devil!  I'll start... next week!

AND THEN I GOT MY PERIOD OMG.

B)  I had recently come to terms with the fact that Bug was probably going to be an only child, mainly because I didn't want to undergo any more fertility treatments.  Nature was speaking to me, I said, and Nature said, you are done.  And I was becoming more and more OK with this, in a really really selfish way, because one child is easier than two in so many ways, and Bug is crazy and nuts and just BUG and I couldn't imagine any other children.

AND THEN I GOT MY PERIOD, WHICH MEANS I'M TECHNICALLY NOT BARREN ANY MORE.

And out of the blue, I feel compelled to have another child, because there is now an inkling that I potentially just could like 85% or whatever of the population.  It's like finally getting a cast off and then running around not because you love running but because you can.  

C)  Because I couldn't ovulate on my own, ever, and would never have a period again, I was done having children, so I put the crib and mattress on Craigslist and started getting giddy about getting rid of all the infant stuff in our house AND THEN I GOT MY PERIOD OMG.

D)  Did Bug's successful surgery really unclench my ass that spectacularly?  Was my body really that wound up before (probably, yes)?  Even though I don't feel all that much more relaxed or different than a month ago, has something really changed?  AND THEN I GOT MY PERIOD OMG.

So basically what I was feeling the week or so prior was a wicked case of PMS, I now have cramps that rival active labor, and I can't stop eating.  I feel like a 14-year-old girl.  I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. I don't know if there is any medical proof, but I actually feel like my body is changing.  Either this sudden appearance of estrogen is making my hips expand, or it's all the goddamn pretzels and chocolate I can't stay away from.  

I never realized how much the lack of one before affected me.  Because now, thinking about having one, I feel somehow like a "real" woman, as if I wasn't one before.  Like I'm somehow back in the Sisterhood (albeit the wussiest member), justifying the purchase of the fancy Pearl tampons like it really makes that much of a difference (I swear it does).

Not that this is the end to any potential fertility woes, because I have no clue, and I don't know if I want to even go there again, but I just have to say, non-medically-required-carb-haters, I DIDN'T HAVE TO GIVE UP ANY BREAD.

If you'll excuse me, I have more chocolate to eat.